A bit of autobiography

May 30, 2009, my friend Jim -- a low bottom food addict -- died of obesity related illnesses at age 45.  I loved him, despite his eating disorder.  His top weight was 800 lbs.

Curiously, my grief over Jim's death turned into a fascination with Michael Jackson who died a few weeks later -- apparently also as a result of addiction, assisted by incompetent medical attention.

When Michael Jackson died, I really knew very little about him.  I remembered seeing him as a child, on Ed Sullivan, but not since.  I had heard "Beat It" and "Billie Jean" on the loudspeakers in the lobby of my office building.  Somehow I knew that was him.  I also had heard the strange rumors about the little boys and seen his strange appearance, but I had never investigated much.

I had never liked popular music much, and figured the same would be true of his.

I decided to click on his video "Thriller," which I heard was his most famous, just to see what it was about.  I was sure I would hate it.

Wrong.

I did not understand then, what I know now, that the structure of his work was extremely complex and  informed by extensive study of classical music.  I did not know that his videos were like little Broadway shows, that he had studied that sort of work as well.  I did not know that the zombie dance in "Thriller" was considered the most complex dance in the history of western civilization.

I spent the next 9 months watching Michael Jackson videos on YouTube, obsessively, every one I could find.

At first, I was obsessed with the idea that he might be a castrato, or have some kind of genital injury, that made him so strange.  I started participating in a blog on that topic and bought a CD with the singing of Alessandro Moreschi, which I listened to repeatedly, despite the horrendous sound quality, to try to understand the topic.

I'm not sure why that idea was so fascinating to me.  I concluded that it might have something to do with my troubled relationship with my father.

Also, my friend who died in 2009 acquired hermaphroditic features as he gained weight, his breasts enlarged and his genitalia were absorbed into his body.   He also had a beautiful singing voice. Therefore Michael Jackson's androgynous appearance probably also was connecting in my subconscious with the death of my friend.

That genital injury idea obsesses me less now.  I do not rule out the possibility that MJ may have had a genital injury, but I also doubt that I will ever know -- and I'm not sure it matters as much to me any more whether the high voice was an act, or whether it was the result of injury, or whether he had an autism spectrum disorder that prevented him from understanding the bizarre impressions he was creating in viewers.

What I was left with, instead, was my quixotic quest.

I learned that MJ came to believe that his success was due to his being an instrument of nature, that he was sent to channel spiritual energy from the universe into his audiences.

His peculiar appearance certainly assisted in this mission.

He lost his racial appearance.  He was androgynous, seeming neither male nor female, a characteristic of many successful performers.  He strove, with some success, to be neither adult nor child as well.  He wore heavy pancake makeup, which made him seem more familiar in Asia, where performers traditionally wore such makeup. This all gave him a universal appeal, where he stopped being just an African American and became something that billions of people felt drawn to.

He was tri-racial, having white, African, and Native American ancestry -- so that his body truly lacked race, and his children bore the races of their mothers.   His features, too, even from early childhood, had a kind of universal appeal that came from his multi-racial background.

And he had this extraordinary talent that made him the first truly global celebrity.

My obsession with him was deepened by the loss of my friend, four years ago today.

And, yet, it left, as suddenly as it had come, when I switched over to being obsessed with Josh Groban, because I was so sick of hearing high and wanted to hear low.

It is interesting to note that Josh's first voice teacher was also Michael Jackson's voice teacher -- and Josh's music, like MJ's is complex and informed by classical music -- and, like MJ, Josh is also very childlike in his own way.  When Josh was younger, he also had an androgynous appearance, which was visible on a lot of the YouTube videos.  He's a lot less androgynous now.  Josh also sang "To Where You Are," which helped me think of Jim.

But, before the MJ obsession left, I had come to understand that MJ believed in an artistic chain reaction.  He saw the reaction in his audiences, where tens of thousands of people could wave their arms simultaneously with the music.  He illustrated what he hoped that reaction would become in his "Cry" video, where people were shown holding hands together across the country.  Also, the drill dance video, from "This is It," showed dancers multiplying out to the horizon, in a unison dancing exercise.

He hoped that people singing and people dancing would spread out across the world and bring peace, probably inspired by children, as he showed in his "Heal the World" video.

One might say many things about Michael Jackson, but one thing everyone would have to agree with was his ability to master his audience.  He knew about audiences.  He knew what he was seeing out there.

I see evidence of the possibility of this chain reaction all the time.  For instance, the Estonian movie "The Singing Revolution," showed a musical chain reaction overthrowing Soviet control in Estonia.

The "Christmas Truce" story from World War II showed people stopping fighting in World War I from singing "Silent Night."

Prisoners in a Filipino jail seem to gain solace and reform from dancing together.

Recently, the Chinese dissident Ai WeiWei remarked how his jailers reacted to his music, positively.

A lot of this story was in the letter I wrote to Josh in 2010, which I recently copied into this blog, but not the part my friend Jim played, which is what is coming to me now on the anniversary of his death.

The quixotic quest remains somewhere in my mind -- the quest for MJ's musical chain reaction, perhaps embodied in a world anthem.

Under the geist of the quest, I suggested to Connie Talbot to record and sing MJ's song "Heal the World."  She did so -- maybe even in response to my request, I don't know.  I am very grateful to her.  I hope she is keeping the dream alive as she tours.  MJ would have been very happy about her singing it.  He often had a little, blond girl on stage with him when he performed that song.

Also, I see Judith Hill, who is also multi-racial, who sang "Heal the World" at MJ's memorial service, getting a bit of publicity recently, which I like to see.  She sang a duet with MJ on the day that he died.  I believe he passed a bit of his energy to her.  I believe that, because of her multi-racial appearance, she embodies that song better than most performers would.

Jim, R.I.P.

Bizarre: some comparisons of Demi, Pia, and Connie

According to Hollywood Reporter

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/idol-worship/american-idol-charts-candice-glover-555317

Demi Lovato's song "Heart Attack" was first recorded with Pia Toscano.  When Interscope abandoned the project of issuing an album for Pia, they had Demi record right over Pia and issued the song with both voices.  Here's Demi's video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AByfaYcOm4A

I'm hearing some tell tale auto-tune sound in Demi's voice, implying that "Heart Attack" was not totally her voice.  I don't think Pia needs autotune.

So I am looking at this video of Demi, listening to the two voices and thinking about how Demi comes off in videos as compared with Pia.  Here's Pia in a different song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YRn5d0a4Puw

I don't really watch these TV talent shows.  I just hear about a few of the artists.  Most of the artists I can't stand, just like I can't stand most pop music.  Pia was one of those few who I could listen to.  Predictably, she didn't win.  The artists who I've most liked: Susan Boyle, Jackie Evancho. Connie Talbot, Rhydian Roberts, Sung Bong Choi, and Crystal Bowersox have all come in second.  I suppose it stands to reason that I would also have liked Pia, who came in 8th.

Actually, many people were upset that Pia came in 8th.  Ellen even had Pia on the the talk show, because Ellen was upset that Pia was eliminated so soon.   Ellen really looks at Pia with total adoration on this video, to try to emphasize how highly she thinks of Pia.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XKMHGzchV2Q

OK so what is the difference between Pia and Demi?

Pia has a prettier face than Demi, but is slightly heavier, or at least was slightly heavier at the time of her ido appearance.  I'm not sure that's still true.

I would say that Pia has the stronger, sweeter voice, but Demi is more emotional.  Pia generally puts out a light aura of being happy when she performs, while Demi is consistently able to project misery.

I'm pretty sure that it is Demi's emotional tenor that makes her so successful.  She always looks as if she's on the verge of a meltdown.

Why is this good, to look so upset when singing?

I mean I'm not going to say that I'm immune to the attraction to negative drama.  I, after all, am a Grobanite, and Josh is the king of miserable in singing.  I call myself his drama vampire.  I like to drink his drama.

But what is it, this attraction to musical grief?  Why is a woman with a less showy voice, but more emotion, preferred over a prettier woman with a better voice?

This doesn't really make sense to me.

Well, predictably for an older viewer, I am enthralled with child prodigies.

Here's Connie Talbot covering "Heart Attack" without autotune, with only one musician, no special editing or camera work, and looking happy.  Also, I prefer that her work has all been fairly informal and homey, not glitzy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byDfTp5p__Y

Connie's allure for now is that she's a kid.  I wonder if I'll feel the same way about her when she's an adult.  I wonder how she'll stack up against Pia and Demi.

OMG! He did it again

Josh tweeted me again, which resulted in all kinds of excitement.  Not sure which order to put this stuff in.  I am using this blog as a way to memorialize what happened.

Let me try to summarize or clarify what happened from my perspective.  

The last photo I saw of Kim Kardashian was her in a bikini.  She is pregnant.   She was brave to show off her enlarged tummy and arms and legs swollen with the fluid retention that accompanies pregnancy.

When I was pregnant, I was horrified at my condition and terrified of becoming a mom.  I admire Kim. I admire her confidence in her appearance.

Josh tweeted something about some beautiful, thin women lying on a bed spread and joked about Kim Kardashian letting them lie on her.  

I thought of the photo in a bikini and of my own shame at my own pregnancies and cringed.  I told Josh so.

He came back, a bit defensively, and said that he was only joking at her dress.

Here is a snapshot of that, with some of the ensuing discussion

Here is an elucidation of the bedspread photo joke.

I am somewhat gratified that Josh was not intentionally joking about her pregnant form, but I'm not entirely satisfied.  I think that the buzz over the loud dress is because Kim is large, just as the buzz about Adele's dress a few months back was because she was large.  If they were thin, they would not have been criticized for wearing loud dresses.

I seem to recall that Josh may have joined in on the discussion of Adele's dress as well.

Heavy women are supposed to wear black, and fade into the background.  How dare they wear something loud?  Well, I am admire Kim and Adele for wearing something they like, not trying to fade into the background like they are expected to -- not feeling shame at being large the way they are expected to feel shame.  Good for them!

Now there is some difference here.  Adele is heavy because she eats too much.  Kim is heavy, because she is a healthy, pregnant woman.   I can see people being uncomfortable with the fact that Adele seems to be showing off an eating disorder -- but no one should be uncomfortable with Kim showing off her pregnancy.

I still think it's insulting to make a joke about Kim's dress looking like a bedspread.  Sure some pundits might have said it looked like a bedspread, but it doesn't mean that Josh needs to make a joke about it as if he were some schoolyard bully.

Also, his original tweet said they were laying on Kim Kardashian, not on her dress, so I think my original interpretation that he was saying she was as big as a king-sized bed is not an unreasonable one. I don't really feel like I should apologize for this, contrary to what Carol is asserting -- see the copies of tweets below.

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BTW, Josh, I am really enjoying my Target edition of "All that Echoes," the third copy I bought of this album.  I'm listening to it all the time.  So I'm not disappointed in that.

-----------------------

I have snapshotted some of the later interactions, which I am putting below.

repeat of above with addition at bottom:

Josh, Aircraft, and Viruses

I am Grobanite.

Josh Groban was sick this week.

He fell ill a few days after traveling in an airplane.

This is not the first time this has happened.

Here is a YouTube video of him in Germany when he reportedly had a cold a few days after flying in an airplane.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLu8AHT_iPA

At about 10:05 he starts singing "Brave."  At 10:37 and even more so at 11:50 and 12:59, when he gets into the chorus, you can hear that his voice just isn't up to par.

Happy in my Heartache at 16:54 sounds better, but he takes it easier on that song.

Here is a YouTube video of him singing in Canada a few days after flying in an airplane.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6EJgAGpzCc

He had a bad cold at that performance.  He sounds pretty good, but he's putting his voice at risk doing this.  

He also had a cold at a concert on New Years Even 12/31/12 commemorating Marvin Hamlish, a few days after flying in an airplane.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VCOHZjejYrA

Again, he sounds good, but people who know his voice can hear that it's not quite in peak form.

On this most recent trip to Germany, he was not sick when he was there, because he went in a small, private plane.  He got sick on the way back.

Here is an excerpt from a wikipedia article about Placido Domingo explaining how Placido Domingo's father lost his singing career as a baritone after singing with a cold -- presumably before there were microphones, so he had to really project loudly when his throat was compromised.

Here is an article that, in the context of Adele, discusses the danger of singing with a cold

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504763_162-57376672-10391704/meet-adeles-vocal-cord-surgeon-dr-steven-zeitels/

Several of us have noticed that Josh's high belted notes are not as nice as they used to be.  This could be from repeated singing with a cold.

I used to work at a large corporation.  My boss used to have this same travel issue.  He went on many airplane trips to Asia and was always sick when he came back.

The risks of disease transmission on aircraft have been frequently discussed.

http://www.webmd.com/cold-and-flu/features/disease-prevention-traveling

Airlines claim that air travel is not dangerous for disease transmission.  But we're seeing this incredibly frequently with Josh, just as I used to see it with my boss.

This is not just a health concern for Josh.  It's a danger for everyone who flies.  

Something needs to be done about this.

--------------------------

Addendum:

By way of contrast, here is a performance where I think he was healthy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_CHgX1QfBsE

The pub and the dog.

I believe that "do not talk" rules are dysfunctional.  I do not want to cooperate with the silence concept.  I have done a lot of personal development work in the area of overcoming "do not talk" rules from my dysfunctional family of origin -- rules that damaged me like a dead hand long after my parents were gone.  I detest that ethos.  It is a very destructive way of being.

I am going to talk.  [expletive deleted]

Here are images of some tweet exchanges.

Now, with some detective work, it has become apparent that a twitter handle named "Sweeney Houdini" tweeted on May 10 that Josh was engaged to an unnamed female who is the tweeter's "friend."

Also the ID named "Sweeneys Tweeter" has been cleaned out of tweets.

These are both fan accounts that have tweeted funny sayings in the past about Josh and his dog.  

I am not going to post the tweets about Josh being allegedly engaged, because I have no clue whether they are true or not -- and I'm not sure I really care.  Sometimes I care, but sometimes I don't.  I'm trying not to care.  Or perhaps I know that it is impossible to know, so I give up on trying to know, though I might like to know.  

Mostly I want to know, because I want Josh to contribute to the gene pool, because I want my grandchildren, if I ever get any, to be entertained by Josh's progeny.  That's my interest.  

I'm not one of those who wants to marry Josh.  When I fantasize about Josh, it's more common that I fantasize that I *am* Josh or that I have become a celebrity professional colleague of Josh -- not that I am married to him.

BUT I would NOT like to be the Josh who did this series of tweets.

His reference to "pub" seems to be pointing a finger at Louise Miller, who runs the "Corner Pub."  

I do not have a clear understanding what Louise did in the past to incur Josh's enmity.  I was not around when all that went down.   Clearly, she is extraordinarily obsessed with him -- and clearly whatever she did in the past is still very much on his mind.

BUT I have talked to her enough to be absolutely rock solid convinced that her obsession is that Josh is gay.  She is constantly trying to convince me and everyone who will listen that Josh does not have and probably never had any girlfriends.

I refuse to believe that she could have tweeted that Josh is engaged to a female. That is just not her.

The implication that Sweeney Houdini is her strikes me as irresponsible speculation.  

------------------------------------

TO: JOSH

I do not respect this implication, Josh.  I just don't.

And I am no sycophant, Josh.  I calls 'em like I sees 'em.

Lily Tomlin, Tarrytown Music Hall, 5/10/13

This was a delightful performance.  She's 73, but she was running all over the stage and dancing energetically.  

She researched current events and history of Tarrytown and added jokes to her routine that were customized to our local culture.   She mixed in sound effects and film clips.  She brought back many of her classic characters: Ernestine, Edith Ann, Mrs. Judith Beasley, The Tasteful Lady, Lucile the Rubber Freak, and the homeless lady.   Some of the film clips were historical, but one was recent, that she used to cover her exit, so that no one would be waiting for her by the stage door, probably.

She did loose her train of thought three times, which obviously bothered her, but she recovered from it very nicely.   We tend to have a lot of older performers at the Tarrytown Music Hall, so we're used to the fact that they might not be quite where they were.  In this case, She was just utterly delightful, even when confused and complaining about random electrical discharges in her brain.

She said she's been actively touring pretty continuously.  

She mentioned her partner in the credits at the beginning, but we never saw the partner.  I have to imagine that she was managing the sound effects and film clips.  

My favorite skit was where she was dramatizing the travails of a middle aged couple coping with a teenage daughter who is screaming at them constantly.  I still have a teenager.  I don't ever remember laughing so hard.  I was really crying from laughter. I'm not sure I ever did that before.  She played father, mother, and teenager, all brilliantly.

I had seen her back on Laugh In when I was a kid.  I had heard about her one woman show on Broadway.   I am so, so grateful I finally got to see her in person.

It was a disadvantage that I was in the balcony and could not see her face clearly.  I should have brought my binoculars.  Trifocals work poorly when looking down at a distance.  

I finally got the bladder thing debugged, I think.  I abstained from herbal tea, vitamins, fruits, AND night shade veggies before the performance.  I was fine.  I need to remember this for next time.

declining record sales

Now another discussion that happened yesterday was about Josh's declining record sales.

I had this discussion with @ginger1898

First she noted my tweet about All That Echoes being down to #70 from #63 as of 5/4/13.  She asked me why this was happening, why weren't the records doing as well as the prior ones.

I responded with this twitlonger

However, three twitter users: @ginger1898, @JGCornerPub, and @Claramusician added that they felt that Josh's personality has changed in a negative way.  Clara, in particular, felt that Josh was dissing his core fan base: Christians and older people.

I have commented before in this blog on my perception that Josh discriminates against older women.


I received a comment several days ago from @BrainyRedhead, expressing dismay at the use of beautiful young women in the front row (presumably of the "I Believe" music video) as being exploitive.

This is something Josh should consider.

Addendum 6/30/13
------------------------
Several twitter convos recently about the role of Josh's Groban's participation in off-color humor as a factor in alienating the core fan base, which is more conservative.

Addendum 8/26/13
===============
Those of us who follow Josh rumors can hardly fail to have noticed the rumors that Josh has become promiscuous.  I have no clue if these rumors are true or not.  Certainly, he does seem more sophisticated and less innocent than he seemed before, which is only natural given that he's older.  Still, if the rumors were true, that might take the edge off of his singing, particularly of love songs.

Oof!  What a day!  Josh tweeted me twice.

Here is a snapshot of the interaction

These were the questions I asked

• Why are you afraid of dancing (what he actually responded to)
• You promised us a piano/zhonghu duet in 2010.  Where is it?
• Why is your touring band all male? #looksdiscriminatory
• Why are none of your instrumentalists older women #againlooksdiscriminatory
• Do you think you're *really* still a "high" baritone? #notconvinced #voicechangingwithage
• [really an aside on another topic: Parasites would improve our health, actually.  Removing parasites from the system gives rise to immune dysfunction]
• Did you find more comfortable contacts or are you performing in pain #wincingwhilewatching
• Have you considered electric violins? Maybe they would blend better when amplified.
• Why no intermissions? I don't like to have to dehydrate before your concerts. #weakbladder

[oops found two more, see below]

These were not all negative questions.  Some were, but they were not all.  

The one he responded to was "Why are you afraid of dancing?" That's not negative.

I'm actually very sympathetic about the contacts.  I stopped wearing mine because they were uncomfortable.

The voice is something I'm concerned about, because I like Josh's music & I do want him to sound his best, and some of his notes haven't been sounding that great recently.

The zhonghu thing is more of a joke.

The electric violin thing is a serious question.  I think they might sound better.  The sound from loud acoustic instruments can blur with their amplified sound, causing the whole piece to deteriorate.  I think that's part of why I've had trouble listening to Josh's music live, as opposed to on albums, but I didn't think it was a negative question.

I *am* being confrontational about the composition of his band, his orchestra, and his music videos.  He made his fortune off older women, yet he doesn't want us in the picture.  This is a serious thing that I am truly furious about -- and I am going to continue being confrontational about it.  It's just wrong.  

I have tweeted him several times that I still love him, even when I'm angry at him, which I trust he reads also.

Some responses

Now Little Grey Kitty is obviously being humorous.

Lara Edwards is openly hostile.

I'm not sure if Pookies Mom, Marcia Bee, and Kathleen are positive or negative -- though I note they retweet the tweet where Josh asks why I am hostile, but not the one where he says he's kidding -- so I am thinking they disapprove of my questions.

Otherwise, the people who tweeted me were supportive, which was gratifying.  A couple were as concerned as I am about the discrimination thing.

Addenda:

Another negative comment appeared overnight

Some positive also

I also had a prophetic exchange with Dan Wilson before all this happened

I hope no one minds my publishing their comments here.  They were on open twitter.  I'm not publishing DMs.  I think these tweets are important facts necessary to understanding the events that happened to me.

Oh, yes:

Two more questions I asked yesterday

Did you know that sometimes the light reflects a circle off your contacts & you look like a cyborg?
How can I get DVDs of the Allen Room and iheart radio concerts? I loved those #please

The first was intended to be funny. The second was clearly positive.

And then one today:
What are your religious beliefs?

I should add that I continued to get negative comments from the one really hostile fan today

A person who thinks Josh's fans are happy 100% of the time was certainly not reading my timeline yesterday. Please also see the next blog on declining record sales.

More dialog

Note elegant language at the end.

This twitter user has now blocked me.  I hope that means she will also stop tweeting me.

In another part of this dialog, I cited this article      

     http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_emperor%27s_new_clothes

I do feel that speaking truth to power is a service.

More Lara later:

Lara remained obsessed as of 5/12/13 per below

I decided to block her as tiresome.