Conchita Wurst "Don't Put the Blame on Me"

It is one of my personal idiosyncrasies that I'm attracted to gay men, or any men who can't have sex with women.  

I went through this major obsession for a while thinking that Michael Jackson was a castrato.  After a while, I came to realize that the high voice and gender non-conforming behavior was not intended to be effeminate, nor was it due to a hormonal issue.  It was just an act, because he was obsessed with never growing up, being Peter Pan.  I realized that there were examples of him singing baritone -- that all the baritone voices in the choruses of a lot of his songs were actually him, doing multiple tracks.

I think my obsession had something to do with my mother telling me that my father wasn't interested in sex any more after she was 40.  Some weird neurosis.

Anyway, I really fell for Conchita as a performer.  I got his album and was eagerly awaiting more work.

Then I found out that my own older child was gender fluid, which made me feel horribly guilty, as if he had been somehow intoxicated by my strange proclivities.  My child insisted that they had to start doing hormone suppression and estrogen right away, because they were 25 and they would only be able to pass as a woman if they started now.  This was received wisdom that they had learned from other transwomen.

I pointed out how Conchita was able to look feminine without any apparent hormones.  

But Conchita was about 25 at that point.

Now she's a few years older and looking more masculine -- probably not going the hormone treatments that my child is going through.  And she or he comes out with this song.

It's a very well done and charismatic performance. Conchita definitely has the "X" factor.

But the voice is lower and the face is more masculine.  The performance is tortured, rather than exuberant, unlike his "Phoenix" song.

The words include "I'm only human after all," "Don't put the blame on me," "Look in the mirror," "do you see it clearer," "Just a man. I do what I can,"  

In the past Conchita didn't say "I'm a man."  I feel like he's talking to me about the fact that he's afraid that I -- and other fans -- will be disappointed that he's not the way he was, that he's more masculine that he's not really a bearded woman, that he's really a man, and intends to stay a man.

I still find him fascinating.