Conchita Wurst "Don't Put the Blame on Me"

It is one of my personal idiosyncrasies that I'm attracted to gay men, or any men who can't have sex with women.  

I went through this major obsession for a while thinking that Michael Jackson was a castrato.  After a while, I came to realize that the high voice and gender non-conforming behavior was not intended to be effeminate, nor was it due to a hormonal issue.  It was just an act, because he was obsessed with never growing up, being Peter Pan.  I realized that there were examples of him singing baritone -- that all the baritone voices in the choruses of a lot of his songs were actually him, doing multiple tracks.

I think my obsession had something to do with my mother telling me that my father wasn't interested in sex any more after she was 40.  Some weird neurosis.

Anyway, I really fell for Conchita as a performer.  I got his album and was eagerly awaiting more work.

Then I found out that my own older child was gender fluid, which made me feel horribly guilty, as if he had been somehow intoxicated by my strange proclivities.  My child insisted that they had to start doing hormone suppression and estrogen right away, because they were 25 and they would only be able to pass as a woman if they started now.  This was received wisdom that they had learned from other transwomen.

I pointed out how Conchita was able to look feminine without any apparent hormones.  

But Conchita was about 25 at that point.

Now she's a few years older and looking more masculine -- probably not going the hormone treatments that my child is going through.  And she or he comes out with this song.

It's a very well done and charismatic performance. Conchita definitely has the "X" factor.

But the voice is lower and the face is more masculine.  The performance is tortured, rather than exuberant, unlike his "Phoenix" song.

The words include "I'm only human after all," "Don't put the blame on me," "Look in the mirror," "do you see it clearer," "Just a man. I do what I can,"  

In the past Conchita didn't say "I'm a man."  I feel like he's talking to me about the fact that he's afraid that I -- and other fans -- will be disappointed that he's not the way he was, that he's more masculine that he's not really a bearded woman, that he's really a man, and intends to stay a man.

I still find him fascinating.

Sunset Boulevard review

I had just come out of the Actor's Equity building, where I had been unsuccessful at getting into an audition. I was walking along 46th street, and then, suddenly, unmistakably, I was looking into the eyes of Glen Close. Her hair was in a strange sort of crew cut, and, if I recall correctly, she was walking a very small dog.

I didn't say anything to her. What was there to say? "Peekaboo I see you?" Sort of dumb.

I did report on FB that I'd seen her, and someone told me that she was appearing in a Broadway show, Sunset Boulevard.

That rang a bell.

In the early days of The Quixotic Quest, I ran across some YouTube videos of Kris Philips touring with Andrew Lloyd Webber, in Asia, and singing songs from Webber's musicals, which included two from that show.

I found Kris, because the videos of Kris singing songs from Phantom of the Opera came up after I watched a video of Josh Groban singing one of those songs. If you've been following this blog, you'll have noticed that I'm a Grobanite.

Then, as one does on YouTube, I went around and watched more Kris Philips videos. I was really moved to see that he led a group of singers in singing "We Are the World" at the Shanghai world expo only slightly more than a month after Josh Groban sang that song with a group of USA pop singers to raise money for the victims of the great earthquake in Haiti. That synchronicity made me very hopeful for the quixotic quest.

So I ran into Glen Close, and then I learned she was performing in this show that I felt some connection to and, then, Friday, there was a nice review of the show in the New York Times.

So, this evening, I decided to go see Sunset Boulevard. I had told myself I was going to go see Josh's show again when I got a chance, but I went to this instead. I got a favorable price for a obstructed view seat.

It wasn't nearly as obstructed as the seats I usually get when I go see the N.Y. Philharmonic. There was only a little bit of the front of the stage that I couldn't see, and the performers didn't go there, so I was o.k. It was a bit of a terrifying walk to get to it, as the lights were already off. It was a steep staircase, and a steep balcony, and the passage in front of the seats in my row in the dark was very narrow, with a steep dropoff to the left.

Now I can't say as I enjoyed this show quite as much as Josh's. Still, it was quite nice.

For those of you who don't know, it's a dismal tragedy about a struggling writer who gets roped into being a gigolo to a wealthy retired movie star, who is also manipulative and dotty.

In this production, the orchestra was on stage behind the performers, with a very limited set, sort of like Josh Groban's Chess DVD, except there was also some light dancing by the ensemble.

Glenn Close gave a masterful performance. It was interesting to hear her singing, because she's older than I am, and sometimes sounds it, but that fit with the character. As a performer, I'm still trying to get my head around this whole concept of acting while singing. Her voice was strong, but not, to my ear, beautiful, but certainly fit the character. Still, my ear isn't necessarily the same as that of the majority of audience members, who gave her repeated standing ovations.

She wore an impressive array of magnificent costumes and bling. Curiously, after the show, I discovered that the souvenir shop was selling bling, so fans could sparkle like her character.

David Foster said you know a star, because when they're on stage you can't look at anyone else. Close definitely achieved this effect. It may have just been the spotlight or the costumes, but I think not. There was something about her that drew the eye. Coincidentally, there was this line that her character said about how all she would have to do in a movie would be to show her face.

It was interesting comparing the performance of the male lead (Michael Xavier) with the parts I saw Kris Phillips perform on YouTube. I'd say Kris has the more beautiful voice, but not as good of acting.

The most impressive voice, to my ear, was Fred Johanson, the butler. He had a very deep bass voice that extended up to a fairly high and delicate falsetto. Paul Schoeffler, who played Cecile B DeMille, had an exquisite baritone, also.

I was pleasantly surprised to see that josh's voice coach, Kirsten Blodgette was involved in this show

Musings on @joshgroban 's influence on me

I've had a history of celebrity obsessions.  Fortunately, none of them so far has lasted my entire life.  Even Josh is fading as an obsession.

I was on my computer back in 2012 the evening of 2/26/12 into the wee hours of 2/27/12.  At that time, I had been a follower of Josh on twitter for over 2 years.  I had a habit of sitting on the computer tweeting with fellow Grobies and waiting for Josh to tweet.  He generally did this at midnight, which meant that if he was in California it was closer to 3 am for us easterners.  We learned that, if we responded right after he tweeted, he was more likely to answer.  Back then I got answered much more often than I do now.

We had a lot of fun tweeting back and forth at that time.  We came to realize after a while that he was reading what we were saying about him, because, if we told him it was time to tweet, he would -- it was as if he wanted to be asked.   That little group I was in has pretty much disbanded since, but then it was still active.

I also tended to write twitlongers to him.  I sometimes felt as if he were a Freudian style therapist, the kind you would talk to on and on, nearly forever, and he would almost never say anything.  I got used to tweeting to him as a kind of therapy, in any case.

It was the eve of Josh's birthday.  I started creating a birthday card using my tablet & stylus device on my computer.  Calligraphy has been a longtime hobby.  Somehow, as I tried to create the card, I started journalling.

At that time, I referred to him as my avatar, my representative out in the Internet, where I was too small to garner significant attention.   I also called him the chief of my online tribe -- and I called myself a drama vampire, because I found myself enjoying drinking the drama of his songs.

I also called him my twitter godfather, because there was a website that would tell you who your twitter godfather was.  That was just the first person you followed on twitter.  But I had never had a real flesh and blood godfather.  My godmother had been my grandmother who died when I was 10.  My parents died much later, but, still, by 2012, they were long gone.  I felt a need for godfather, so Josh became that, in some psychological sense, even though I'm old enough to be his mother.

So I began writing into my tablet and stylus device.  I don't know if you've ever tried this sort of thing, just spacing out and seeing what your hand writes when you're not really thinking about it.  It's a way of getting in touch with your subconscious desires. This is what I found myself writing.

It was a moment of self-revelation, where I realized that I wanted to be a performer myself and this was why I had always been so obsessed with celebrities.  Whereas my birth father was totally committed to science and regarded the arts with some disdain (tho he liked classical music and opera fairly well) -- my new godfather was as committed to the arts as my birth father was committed to science.

I saw this thing I had written as a sign that I needed to change.  I started pursuing performance.

I also wrote 2 more birthday messages that day, because the first one seemed rather self-centered.

So one thing I did, after adopting my new godfather, was to start studying improv comedy.  I was impressed at Josh's improv.  I liked the little improvs he did in concerts.  I loved his chemistry with Kelly Ripa on "Live with Kelly!"  I wanted to learn how to do what he did.

He said he had studied improv before he was a singer.  Since he started being a singer at 12, I'm assuming he studied improv as a kid.  Someone told me a rumor that he went to summer camp at Second City in Chicago a couple of times.  That's the best comedy school in the country, tho I think ios in Chicago is starting to be considered better by some improvisers.

On the first day of improv classes, they often ask everyone in the class what brought them there.  I always say that I'm a Grobanite and I was inspired by Josh to study improv, because he was an improviser.  Most improvisers don't know that Josh is an improviser.

That was back at the time when a lot of people still had not heard of him.  If I had told my father that I was a Grobanite, I think he would have disapproved.  Probably my mother would have also.  Being obsessed with a celebrity was just not something that was in their universe, or so I imagined in any case.  I felt embarrassed to say that I was a Grobanite.  I soon learned, though, that a lot of people thought that it was cute that I was a Grobanite.

I had always wondered what I wanted to do when I grew up.  I had never figured it out.  Here I was in my fifties and I had still never figured it out.

I did have a hobby of making up stories and acting them out in my home, alone.  I always felt embarrassed about this hobby.  It seemed insane to me.

After I had been studying improv for a couple of months, it suddenly occurred to me that I was surrounded by other people who liked to make up stories and act them out.  I wasn't alone. I felt like I had been struck by lightening. This was it.  This was what I was supposed to be doing.

Not that they all necessarily agree on this with me.  I haven't gotten into the conservatory level courses yet.  Also, most of my fellow students are much, much younger than I am.

But I'm still at it, four years later.

It was great to be in musical improv when I was in chemo.  I later learned that performing music is the best exercise for the brain.  That was determined by neurological researchers.  Chemo is neurotoxic and can damage the brain.  By doing musical improv, I now believe I was doing the absolutely best thing that I could have done to minimize brain damage.  I owe that in part to Josh.

Recently Josh started appearing in a Broadway show, "Natasha, Pierre, and the Great Comet of 1812."  This show is very hot right now.  One thing my fellow improvisers respect is successful Broadway shows.  I've noticed on FB that they're doing the lottery to get into Josh's show now, the way they were doing the lottery to get into "Hamilton" before.

I just started a new improv course this month, December 2016.  Again, the instructor asked me why I was taking improv.  Again I said it was because I was a Grobanite and Josh Groban was an improviser.

The instructor, a young Asian man in his 30's,  said "We're all Grobanites now."  

Wow.  I was a trendsetter.  Imagine that.

re @HomeFreeHatGuy and @HomeFreeGuys

OK. I'm frustrated.

Chris Rupp parted ways with Home Free.  They hired a new singer. Chris is making his own videos.

Here is a recent video by Chris

Here is a recent video by Home Free

Here is one of the videos from before the breakup

This is my reaction.  I'm sure other fans will differ with me, and probably criticize me for expressing myself, but that's how it is.

What I'm seeing is that Chris has a particular creative genius when it comes to giving an edge to musical and video arrangements.  The new Home Free videos are just a bit lower energy -- just a bit less creative -- a bit more conventional to watch, more formulaic, less exciting.

On the other hand, I don't think Chris has quite the stage presence and vocal distinction of some of the group members.  There's an awkwardness to him personally, and his voice is just not a solo voice.  So, even though his solo videos have that edge in terms of musical & video arrangements, ultimately their focus is unsatisfying.

They're all still really talented people, but I don't think that this breakup works for me as a fan, sadly.  

****

Addendum 4/20/17

Just watched a bunch of Chris Rupp videos.  My opinion here hasn't changed. The musical compositions are great.  The video compositions are great, but he doesn't have the x=factr.

By contrast, even though some of the Home Free performers do have the xfactor, their videos lack the musical and video sophistication of the Rupp videos.

Sigh.

Bob Dylan and the Nobel Prize

So many questions

Why is he silent?

Is he troubled by the award?  Maybe because Alfred Nobel made his money from TNT, which is very destructive both in war and in peace? Maybe because he's a recluse?

Is he still thinking about it?  Is it better to remain silent while he thinks about it?  Is he working on a thoughtful or musical response? Surely, it would be nice to get a new song out of this.  Maybe they should just let him percolate, hoping for a musical response.

The committee that awards the prize calls him arrogant for failing to respond.  Really?  Isn't it arrogant of them to expect a busy celebrity to drop everything and respond?

Is he having some other problem?  Perhaps a health issue, which makes it difficult to respond?

I took modern dance from kindergarten to 9th grade.  During part of that time, the class was in the local Unitarian Church.  This church was a landmark, because it was designed by Frank Lloyd Wright.  There were interesting places to climb on in the church.  When we had our recital, at one point, the church let us perform during the service -- Unitarians being quite flexible in such things.

I remember I chose Dylan's "Masters of War" as the accompaniment of my dance.  I carried my brother's toy gun during the dance and fired it at one point.  It made a loud noise.  This was before it was illegal to make toy guns look real.  It looked satisfyingly like a real rifle.

I felt really significant and artistic doing this dance.  It was during the Viet Nam war.  I was upset about the war.  I though Dylan's commentary poignant.

I also always liked singing Dylan's "Blowing in the Wind."

As an adult, I became a religious pacifist, joining the Religious Society of Friends, Quaker.

I felt Dylan was an influence for peace for sure.  The award seems appropriate to me.

But who knows what he is thinking?

@joshgroban on Broadway edited 10/22/16

It started out with my planning to go to see The Comet on the 20th, but then I booked a play myself that day, so I managed to sell the ticket to another Grobie, and got a ticket for the 19th. The first ticket was in the orchestra, but I decided not to go for such an expensive seat again, and indeed I auditioned for a great commercial that would have conflicted with the reservation on the 19th, but I don't book that commercial.

Then, on the 19th, just before lunch I went by the Actors Equity building and dropped off a headshot for "Bull in a China Shop." I could see right off that they were taking non-equity performers for that audition and, if I came back at two I would be able to audition, which is rare in NYC.  Generally, if you're non-equity you can't get into equity auditions. That was a bit of a tough decision, but I decided to just drop off my headshot and go to see The Comet and hoped it might get out early enough to get in to the audition at the end.

At first I hoped I might live tweet my experience at the show, but the theater was super strict about no cell phone use of any kind. They even had the ensemble come up into the aisles and sing to us about it, including no Google searches, tweets, etc. I got a few tweets in before the show started, but not much, so now I'll blog from memory.

The stage is set up in an unusual way for this show. There are six areas for musicians, interspersed with sections of audience in between, and twisty paths through for the performers. There are also stairs from the stage up to the balcony. The performers go out in the audience a lot. They warn you to keep the aisles clear for them. They even had Josh walk along the front row of the balcony at one point, though he was less active in the audience than the other performers. However, those maneuvering smaller instruments (violins, clarinets, guitar) are apparently expected to move around – not sit in the pits.

The ensemble work was extraordinary, rivaling Lion King, in my opinion. There must have been at least thirty people*  in the ensemble and they were multi-talented, with many performers dancing while playing an instrument. The violinists were dancing, playing the violin, and singing all at once. They even had one row of seats covered with a dance floor up in the rear balcony, where I was, so that two extraordinary women, one white and one black could do all those things for us way up the upper balcony. Those performers were running all over the multi level performance space all the time.

At the beginning, the music sounded fairly conventional, but gradually it got more new music sounding. This should be good for Grobies, because a new music/pop combination is what Josh is known for. I think if you liked "Now or Never"' and "Falling Slowly" you would probably like this stuff. I'm not sure why people are calling this electro pop. I would say it's closer to a New Music opera, tho the characters are singing Broadway style for the most part. They have a libretto and a lot of the dialog is recitative.

The characters often curiously refer to themselves in the third person, as in "She is flushed," rather than "I am flushed."

One of my friends warned me that it would be too loud, but I didn't find it so. For the most part I thought the volume perfect. At one point, it started getting loud enough that I was considering getting the ear plugs out, but that didn't last long.

An interesting aspect of the show was that the high tenor was the bad guy. Normally, the high tenor is the sweet, innocent, young hero.

If you do get seats on stage, expect to interact with the performers.  Even lead performers may sit next to you or ask you to handle props.  I think I saw one performer shove an audience member along a booth seat to make room for himself.  I would be curious to hear what it’s like to be on stage and have all those people running by you all the time on the narrow paths.

Josh, generally, interacted less with the audience than the others.  He spent most of the show in the central band pit.  At first he was playing instruments: accordion, piano, and I think tambourine.  Later he was more in character, reading books.  He plays a character who spends most of his time reading and drinking – and bemoaning himself for not getting out and interacting with people and being more dynamic.   His bemoaning himself reminded me of how I feel about spending so much time on my computer at night.

I think his largely being confined to the band pit did have something to do with the character, but I also suspect that it was a security issue

I feel Josh’s strongest talent lies in his ability to convey emotion in his singing.  This was particularly apparent at the end.  Before that I just heard him as one of a number of beautiful voices.  But at the end I think he showed that he has a special talent that’s more than just a beautiful voice.

Josh showed himself to be a good sport by trying to dance during one of the larger scale numbers.  We who follow him know that dancing is not his thing, but I don't think you could necessarily tell, given that the stage was chock full of the enormous ensemble  at the time.  He did look awkward and nerdy, but that was also his character.

[added paragraph 10/22/16] Grobies should be aware that the lead in this show is Denee Benton, not Josh.  Josh is on stage all the time, in the band pit, but she's more prominent than he.  She's very beautiful and has a lovely voice. Creative casting has put an Afrimerican as a young, Russian, debutante engaged to a prince.  This is an intriguing casting choice.  It's a very challenging role -- and she pulls it off well -- but the character also makes a very bad decision -- which makes Denee's status as one of very few Afrimericans in the production ambiguous.

The show started a bit late, maybe 5 or 10 minutes after two and ended about 4:43.  I rushed back to the “Bull in the China Shop” audition, and got there just before 5.  It was a short walk, but the lights were against me and there was a lot of pedestrian traffic, plus I had checked a bag at the theater that I had to retrieve.  Unfortunately, I missed the last group of auditioners. If I had gotten there 10 minutes earlier I would have gotten in, alas. 

But I had a nice conversation with the monitor at the audition who was very curious about the new show.

Tweets from before the show started

Complaints: The drinking fountain on the mezzanine didn't have enough water pressure, making it difficult to get a drink; also the checkroom is in the mezzanine, which is inconvenient if you've got a large bag to check

* A later check of the program revealed that the ensemble was 22 people, but they were certainly covering the space -- running all over the place, seeming to be more than they were. [added 10/22/16]

****

Addendum: 161023

It has seemed to me, both times that I heard "Dust and Ashes" live, that the last note sounds strange.  I haven't decided whether that's the music, or whether Josh is off key.  I suppose it's the music.

Addendum 161025

Biggest regret from the show: didn't bring my binoculars so I couldn't really see Josh's facial expressions.

The Hollars, a review

I went to see this movie, because Josh Groban is in it, and I'm a Grobanite.

It's definitely a step up from Coffee Town, which I reviewed here Review of Coffee Town.

The genre here is psychological.  Some of the characters and scenes are a bit sit-com-ish, but mostly it's higher brow.

The focus is still thirty somethings, but there are some older people as well -- unlike Coffee Town.

I was very critical of the role for the sole female character in Coffee Town.  Here there are more women, though they're still wives and moms who definitely get less camera time than the guys.

The main character is John Krasinski, who is also directing and co-producing.

I'm always going back to what David Foster said, to whit: you know a star because when they're on stage or camera they're [singular they] the one you look at. You don't look at the other people.

Krasinski definitely has that, some kind of gravitas and poise that makes him seem to be the focus of everyone's attention, though it could also be that everyone was focused around him because he was directing.

I would say that this is a chick flick, because it's all about emotions and relationships -- no chase scenes or bombs -- but it's still created by a man from a male point of view.

Still, I'm grateful that the older female character is a powerful personality, called "Chief," who runs the family and is loved and respected.

The plot is complex, with lots of romantic intrigue. A lot if the intrigue involves the awareness of dealing with exes and their new partners.

Josh's character is not just a cameo, unlike when he appeared in a Muppet movie. It's a real role, with lines, who is an integral part of the plot. While most of the other characters have rather prominent flaws, his character is absurdly kind, generous, empathetic, and even tempered. I guess this is him playing to type. This doesn't necessarily make the character likable, though, as he's always in control, no vulnerability. The other characters are all suffering because of their flaws, while his is not. He's a care giver, not a care needer. For those who accuse him of being wooden in his acting, this role gives little space to refute this allegation. Still I would assert that, at least in Coffee Town, he was clearly not wooden. Perhaps this upcoming Broadway role will show him to more advantage.

I am intrigued by Anna Kendrick. I last saw her in "Into the Woods." She comes across as very feminine and childlike. She's allowed to speak in a high voice. I've been feeling recently that female performers with low voices tend to be preferred, tho maybe that's my own insecurity about having a high voice.

I saw the movie in the theater near Lincoln Center -- a place where I have several times heard Josh sing on stage. Movie theaters in NYC somehow seem special, because they're generally upstairs, with often more than one set of escalators to get up to the theaters from a smallish lobby.  Somehow that gives me a sense of going into a protective cocoon.

Spoiler alert, don't read past this

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While much of the movie focuses on the awkwardness of dealing with exes and their new relationships, there's one couple that's been together for 38 years. They get the whole "until death doth you part" scenario. That makes me jealous. I didn't get that. I got dumped. I wonder if people who do get that know how lucky they are, despite their grief at losing their partner.

The ending of the movie is pleasantly touching -- so it's not all sad.

edited 8/28/16 == mostly to remove autocorrect issues.  It's so frustrating when a word gets changed after you read it and it was ok